A Hysterical Work of Staggering Genius

There are really very few pieces of writing that I'm fantastically proud of. There's quite a few things that I've written that other people are proud of, but I generally either hold myself to a higher standard, or I just hate myself sometimes and feel that anything I do is complete and utter shit. This is not one of them. Thanks to my friend Lauren, I now have access to a piece of writing that I did in 2002, right before she left for Florida. If she had just Xerox'ed this and given it to me, it wouldn't be up here because I probably wouldn't take the time to type it out. But, type it out she did, and that's what I'm copying and pasting into here.

And someday this is going to get all over the internet, have my name scrubbed out of it, and then I'll be hanging out with the guy who did Badger, Mushroom, Snake and getting absolutely no credit. So, if you ever see this, make sure you tell them that they owe me props and maybe The Mad Cash.
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" Lauren,
Seeing as your book was making seemingly endless rounds through the crowd on Saturday, I was unable to get a hold of it and add to the equally endless list of comments like 'Have fun!" or "Say hi to Mickey Mouse for me!" or "Write me!" or any of a multitude of combinations or variations on such comments, representative of the banality that is apparent in this Carson Daly America we currently reside in. Since I believe Carson Daly is the devil and asinine commentary such as the above examples is the bane of my existence, I leave you with the following.
And because brevity is not a gift I possess. 'Soul of Wit' my ass.
So. With two hours until your arrival with no less than 6.02 x 10 to the 23rd power people, I suppose this would be a good time to construct a theme for the following stream-of-conciousness essay, and all Ican think of is the DVD I gave you. So, here we go:

'Everything I Ever Needed To Know I Learned From Cameron Crowe'
or,
The I-Ching 2002

Fast Times at Ridgemont High was based on a novel by Cameron Crowe and directed by Amy Heckerling (Clueless). When you think about it, it's hard to equate the film to real life, seeing as how surfer-dudes like Spicoli don't really exist out here -- though they may in Florida, so watch for them. This is not to say one cannot draw comparisons , as I would probably equate myself to the Judge Reinhold character; perhaps not in his entirety, but it provides a modest segueway into the first lesson:

* 1) If you feel the overwhelming need to enter the bathroom and pleasure yourself while fantasizing about someone, for the love of God, LOCK the bathroom door. These few seconds of security precaution are worth much more than the years of stories that will be sung about you around the campfire. Do not let your life be a cautionary tale to others.

Since it's been a rather long time since I saw that movie, we now move on to Say Anything, Crowe's directorial debut.

* 2) If you want people to remember you, make sure your life comes with a great soundtrack.

Most guys wish they were Lloyd Dobbler. If they don't, then they already think they are, and the fact is most of these guys are probably more like Joe, who "lies when he cries." We all think that someday we'll be holding a boom-box (nee 'Ghetto Blaster') over our heads, playing 'In Your Eyes,' but most of us guys are fuckups and we'd just end up playing something like 'Shock the Monkey' instead, because 'In Your Eyes' is not on Peter Gabriel's Greatest Hits album as one would expect it to be.

Lloyd: 'If you guys claim to know so much about women, why are you at a Gas'N'Sip at 10:30 on a Friday night with no women to be seen anywhere?'
Guys: 'By choice man. Yeah. By choice.'

* 3) Trust no one, or at least anyone who claims to know all the answers but lacks quantifiable proof...except for me.
* 4a) All the rain in the world will not turn you into a new person.
4b) If you're going to dump someone, do not give the individual a gift....especially a pen.

It's been a good ten years since that movie came out, and kickboxing remains the Sport Of The Future. Hopefully that day will never come, because that would make the Sport Of The Future none other than Rollerball.

* 5) If you're looking for a good guy, go with the one who drinks but can assume the role of Keymaster and a)not drink for the night, and b) not demand you be the Gatekeeper at the end of the night. Bit of Ghostbusters humor there.
* 6) Pick up a guy who is good with old people and children. This is helpful for the next sixty years of your life.

SINGLES-- Bridget Fonda, Matt Dillon, Pearl Jam, et cetera.
Lots of little lessons that aren't deserving of being actual rules: People love their cars, so a Supertrain will never work and should remain a short-lived Love Boat knockoff. You do not need a boob-job and I hope the doctor will tell you that if you ever think you do. Do not get into video-dating like your flakey roommate. Have a good soundtrack.

* 7) If a guy gives you the remote to his underground parking garage, he clearly thinks its a lasting relationship. You have about two seconds to figure out if you think so, too. Don't be hasty.
* 8) Eventually, you will find your standards for romantic involvement fall through the floor. This is normal for your early-twenties, but the guy HAS to say 'bless you' when you sneeze. Don't bend on that.
* 9) If you break up with a guy, clean your toilet with anything he may have left at your place. This is apparently very cathartic.

This movie is nice and all, and it's pretty funny, but I just don't empathize with any of the guys; least of all Matt Dillon, who plays the singer for a band called Citizen Dick. As women go, I suppose you'd rather be Bridget Fonda than...Kevin Bacon's wife, whatever her name is. Just don't let a guy put a new stereo in your car without permission.
Okay, so the movie's pretty forgettable, so let's move on.

JERRY MAGUIRE -- with Jerry Cantrell, as Jesus of the Copymat.
Since you're not a single mother we can toss all of those associated rules, since I'm pressed for time. However, dogs and bees can smell fear, AND the human head weighs eight pounds.

* 10) Be wary of drink and cold pizza, for you may grow a conscience or a third nipple. The former can get you to write a mission statement and fired from your job. The latter can get you burned at the stake for being a witch.
* 11) When dumping an egotistical bitch, stay at elast five feet away, lest you get your ass beat.
* 12) Jazz, no matter what they say, is not good sex music.
* 13) Either get the Kwan for yourself or be someone else's Ambassador of Kwan. Kwan means love and respect. Many people have the coin, but few people have the Kwan.
* 14) If a guy won't let you get rid of him, he is either a keeper, or, much more likely, a stalker who will inevitably play 'Sledgehammer' on his boom-box outside your home.
* 15) Do not rush into marriage as a way of getting family medical insurance coverage.
* 16) Men who can pay compliments like 'That's not a dress; that's an Audrey Hepburn movie,' or 'You're Bozo Bucket Number Six,' are good dating-material. This also applies to the line from Singles, 'You're looking very nice, and I don't mean that in an Eddie Haskell kind of way.'
* 17) If you really, really, need someone, do anything the ask, including shouting 'Show me the money!! I love black people!! I'm your motherfucker!!' at the top of your lungs. This is a good demonstration of your devotion.

There are, I'm sure, many more rules, but I haven't the time to cover them all. Many are listed in the full-length Mission Statement on Disc 2 of the Special Edition DVD.

ALMOST FAMOUS/UNTITLED -- A coming-of-age story or a cautionary tale?
A really great movie, but I can think of only two actual rules:

* 18) Do not fall in love with or become a groupie, lest your life become a cautionary tale to others.
* 19) Rock stars are not your friends.

I guess there are three rules, since I just thought of his sister.
* 20) You CAN go home again.


That's about as an appropriate place to leave off as any, seeing as how I never saw Vanilla Sky. There are other rules from other movies, but this is just what Cameron Crowe taught me.
--Tom "
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One of these days, I'm just going to read this all on stage and either get laughter or people are going to be like, "Is the E-Ching like Ben Wa?"

In the end, if there's one truly important lesson from all of these Cameron Crowe movies: Make sure your life has a good soundtrack.

*edited three seconds later* And one of these days, I'll explain how there are three or four kinds of men in this world, and which one you are, or which one you have as a boyfriend (lesbians, I'm sorry, but I don't understand a thing about women) directly equate to various Cameron Crowe characters. And, then -because that only takes like five lines- I'll get around to the Yuna-Rikku-Paine discussion about Final Fantasy X-2 and why they're the new Ginger & Mary-Ann.

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