Sunday, January 30, 2005

The Rockafeller Skank

At this point, I'm just going to start titling posts based on whatever song happens to be running through Winamp at the time. Therefore, if I happen to ever title a post something like, "Fuck tha Police" or something, just keep right on moving. It doesn't mean anything. This post is, of course, courtesy of Fatboy Slim.

I've been getting a lot of searches for Gabrielle Reece lately, like this one that's searching for information about Gabrielle Reece's boyfriend. I think that we can put the mystery to rest now that I've been hiding the information from all of you that, yes, I am indeed Gabrielle Reece's boyfriend. Sure, she's a supermodel and beach-volleyball player (or she was, anyway), but I've just got some kind of magical spell that I cast over women ... Yeah, and up is down, left is right, white is black, and you have just stepped into Bizarro-World.

I'm amazed by the fact that I couldn't find the Metallica documentary, Some Kind of Monster, at work tonight. It's supposed to be a really great documentary, which is surprising because it covers the recording of the St. Anger album, which ... well, it sucked. It did. There's no two ways about it. Anyway, the documentary is directed by the guys who brought the world Paradise Lost, which was about the child-murders in some community (which escapes me), and ranks as one of the best documentaries I've ever seen; kudos to HBO. However, the point is Metallica fans are buying a documentary, for God's sake, to say nothing of the fact that fans of good cinema (and documentaries in particular) are buying a documentary about Metallica.

Maybe I was right about that Bizarro-World comment.

In other news, Bill Gates praised China for creating a new form of capitalism. I'm not sure about if that's particularly accurate, but he (according to an AFP news story) characterised the Chinese model in terms of "willingness to work hard and not having quite the same medical overhead or legal overhead". In other words, China is now taking its inspiration from Electronic Arts. *zing!* Seriously, though, this is the part where I'd go off on a rant about United States trade-policy, but I'm tired, so I'm going to bed instead. Lucky for you.

EDIT: I figured that I'd tack this on for good measure. While watching tonight, I saw one of the finest pieces of writing they've put together since the "Schweddy Balls" sketch. The following is Colin Farrell discussing the media's overwhelming attention to the treatment of the title character's possible homosexuality in Saturday Night LiveAlexander. This transcript is taken (without permission) from, where you can also read the transcript of the "Schweddy Balls" sketch.
Colin Farrell: Thank you. Thank you, Tina. I’m very proud of “Alexander.” It’s an honest, multifaceted portrayal of one of the greatest figures of the ancient world. And yet, all anyone seems to talk about is how this guy liked men as well as women. He’s so much more than that!

I mean, this is a man who was able to take a group of fresh-faced young boys and whip them into one of the greatest armies the world has ever seen. And it’s not like it was that easy to get these guys to go off and follow him. As everyone knows, it’s very hard to get Greek men to leave their brothers behind. So he looked all over Greece, and found men who were anxious to leave home because they didn’t like the way they were being reared.

Tina Fey: Th- This is fascinating. And during this whole time, the Greeks were constantly being attacked by the Persian army, right?

Colin Farrell: Yes, that’s right, and the Persians were strong, manly fighters. But Alexander managed to beat off the entire Persian army.

Amy Poehler: Amazing, amazing. And yet, all people can talk about is that he mighta been gay!

Colin Farrell: Sad, isn’t it? I mean, he united all of Greece, and got them to fight together as a nation.

Amy Poehler: So he used Greece to beat off the men of the Persian army?

Colin Farrell: Yes he did, Amy. Without Greece, the job of beating off the entire Persian army would’ve been much harder. I mean, this way he can finish them off quicker.

Tina Fey: That- that’s true. I know that, ‘cause I’m Greek. So, what was a typical battle like for Alexander?

Colin Farrell: Well, his preference was always to take the Persians from behind.

Amy Poehler: Of course, sure.

Colin Farrell: Alexander would use his troops to form a long phalanx, and then he would spread their flanks and ram the head of the phalanx into the Persian rear. And then his master stroke—you’ll like this, Amy—unknown to the Persians, Alexander would hide an entire battalion of the Greek navy inside the phalanx.

Amy Poehler: Really? Wow.

Colin Farrell: Yes. So finally, after pounding away for hours and hours, a raging torrent of Greek seamen would erupt into the Persian rear.

Tina Fey: Amazing. And all we Americans care about is the fact that he may have had sex with a man! We’re so provincial, unbelievable. Colin Farrell, everybody!

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