Monday, May 23, 2005


So, I've had the majority of the week off of work, the result of the company rebuilding my photo-lab with a new set of machines, new furniture, and a bunch of other crap. I've been catching up on a great deal of sleep during that time. I also started my new Saturday morning class at Second City, and I don't know any of the people in it, so that sucks. If life doesn't start turning around, I'm going to start listening to Bright Eyes or some shit like that and go all emo. That would suck.

Because here's what I think of people who are all emo:

That's actually funny when you think about it, but I won't explain it.

I used to get emails from my friend Kristen, who used to get emails from this girl who scared the shit out of everyone in Waubonsee's chapter of Model Illinois Government. I would ten amend these emails and send them back to Kristen in what became known as The Dorelis Papers. Over at That's Just Not Right, recently, I've gone and started doing this again, in what is now known as the Moderator Commentary. The following is from the Newbie Intro of some guy named Vrykolaka, who may or may not have been banned already for being retarded. Clearly, I may have helped to expedite that banning:

QUOTE(Vrykolaka @ May 20 2005, 12:57 AM)
Alright, time for the second try. [Oh, sweet fucking Christ, are you back?!] Sucks because I had a long intro going right before I got the 30 day vacation [*cough* bullshit! *cough*].

First off, my name's Nick. I hail from Buffalo, New York [Tell me, Nick, have you ever said to someone you 'hail from Buffalo' in casual conversation, or are you just trying to be fancy? Because it doesn't work for you]. Possibly one of the shittiest cities in the country [You live in Buffalo, Buffalo is shitty, need I draw the rest of the diagram?], but most people hate where they are either way [We hate where you are, but it has nothing to do with Buffalo]. I'm currently a student and musician in my off time (lots of that). [And we'd be happy to give you more.]

Really into horror and sci-fi movies. [Geek] Most of the newer horror movies are kind of lame if you ask me [We didn't, and we don't want you to elaborate, just go away], so only the older ones for the horror half [You're lying, because you don't know who James Whale or F.W. Murnau are]. Sci-fi is totally Star Wars [You've never even kissed a girl, have you?] and yeah, I can't stand Star Trek [Captain Kirk could kick your ass]. I'm dubbed geek forever for the SW tattoo on my arm. [You get beat up a lot, don't you?]

Almost anything electronic/dance is my music of specialty [Great. Shit that makes people's ears bleed]. I program anything from Trance-Industrial [Is Trance-Industrial some kind of Star Wars kazoo band?]. Grew up on Pink Floyd and numerous other classic rock [You clearly dropped acid one too many times while listening to Dark Side and staring at a black-lit fluorescent poster of Yoda], so you can find me listening to some rock at times. [Don't you get it? We'd prefer not to find you at all]

Last [Thank god, because I can't take much more of this shit], but not least [Thank god, because you've said nothing of relevance so far], I'm a chain smoker and I'm still searching for my pack of rabid monkeys with yeast infections. [And clearly you're back to the Yoda poster, now]

In case further explanation is needed, we hate you. If we had some way to attach a scarlet letter to your IP address, warning any other forum you ever come in contact with to ban you immediately, we would do it. From reading this tripe, I can't believe that English could possibly be your first language, unless it's been destroyed by entirely too many hours of trying to teach yourself to speak Wookiee.
Yes, it's mean. Cruel, even. But if there's one thing that I learned in my Intro to Comedy Writing class (no, seriously, I only learned one thing in that class), it's the art of the inappropriate response. My work with inline-commentary is about the best use that I've found for that lesson so far, at least as far as doing it in a manner that won't get me beaten up like this guy probably does.

And, yes, quoting myself from other sites is just a way to easily run up a word-count on here so you all (both of you) don't think I'm dead.

This past week also kept me a little busy, trying to follow the whole E3 extravaganza that showed the unveiling of the Xbox 360 (which is almost as retarded a name as "NextBox would have been), the Playstation 3 (not to be confused with this), and the ... well, they showed a little black box that might be the Nintendo Revolution. For all we know, it could be a handy carrying-case for Heroclix figurines, who the hell knows.

About the only thing that didn't make an appearance was Infinium Labs' (appropriately titled) Phantom console. Someone decided to bring the Phantom up as a topic, and so I went and read one of the funniest documents of my life, Infinium Labs' last SEC filing. In short, they're out of money, having burned thirty-six million dollars over the last couple of years, and they need twenty-two million more just to do a test-run of ten-thousand units. That puts the per-unit cost at $5800. Not that they'll sell them for that much, but it's proof that the company manages its money about as well as I do. Either that, or they've got a lot of money in the Caymans that the investors don't know about.

I bought a GeForce 6600GT yesterday, which is a graphics card that is being choked to death by my poor excuse for a computer. I figure that in two to four weeks, I'll be buying an Athlon 3400+ and a motherboard (and RAM, obviously) to go with it, which will mean that I'll actually be able to buy new computer games again. I'll be tremendously happy, because Doom 3 is running like molasses in January right now.

As much as I hate the Jimmy Kimmel show, I have to say that the Year of Unnecessary Censorship video is pretty funny, so you should check that out.

Finally, I saw the new Star Wars movie at the midnight showing, and it was alright, with the exception of the retards in my aisle who would not fucking shut the fuck up. They weren't even Star Wars fans. They were just there because ... shit, I don't even know, but they've managed to turn my profanity dial up to eight, so they were pretty goddamn bad to sit near.

But I digress. My major complaint with the film is that Anakin just stalks all over the place, bitching about how bad it is to be him. He doesn't get to be a Jedi Master. He has bad dreams. He wets the bed. Shit like that. Bitch, bitch bitch, moan, moan, moan. And what does Natalie Portman do? She swoons and tells him she loves him. He's been bitching for three goddamn movies, and she loves him for it. I complain at least as much as this guy does, and women run for the fucking hills.

That the film is set in space, I can live with that; laser-swords, fine; they have spaceships that go faster than the speed of light, okay; but when a seemingly-intelligent woman is madly in love with that guy, that's where I draw the line and declare the film to be totally unbelievable.

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