Monday, February 27, 2006

Who's Crying Now

For those of you not on the Bloodhoof server of World of Warcraft, there's something you might not be aware of: There is this guild on the server named Elf Slappers, and I have to tell you that they're all a bunch of total douchebags. Oh, it's true, it's true. A bunch of slack-jawed junksluts is what they are. So retarded are they that the vast majority of them have Paladins as player characters (Pallys being the most dimwitted of character classes), which goes to show you how very dedicated the Elf Slappers are to the Horde agenda, which is to say that they're not.

Have I ever been an Elf Slapper? No. Have I ever died at the hands of an Elf Slapper? Barring possibly their Alliance alts, no (as I'm loyal to the Horde, unlike you dumb sonsabitches). No, but I have heard the origin of the Elf Slappers from a wizened sage at Freewind Post, and I would share it with you, but I would have to rate this site adults-only, due to graphic depictions of a Night Elf being sodomized at the hands of the original three players who would eventually become the Elf Slappers.

Fact: They were going to be the Elf Spankers (since Ass-Bandits was already flagged and rejected by the server), but apparently a GM found out that this was only to further their agenda to rein in players who are into male-on-male action, which is one of the core requirements for being an Elf Slapper, and the reason I wouldn't be able to join. Of course, that hasn't stopped those butt pirates from trying to steal my booty, you know what I'm saying?

The Elf Slappers, in their recruiting messages, claim to be a guild that is interested in PvP, instance runs, high-level raids, et cetera. The usual stuff you hear during guild recruitment drives. However, this website has learned that it's not so much Player versus player that they enjoy as it is Player on player. Furthermore, the raids they enjoy basically involve getting the uninitiated into the depths of Molten Core, where they then strip the poor Troll or Tauren down to his skivvies and have their way with him in a manner that resembles the porno I watched last night where a woman had all of her orifices simultaneously filled by circus midgets. The difference being, though, that the woman in the porno apparently was enjoying herself, whereas the victim in this case suffers this fate while watching epic items get disenchanted before his very eyes.

But you know what the best part about the Elf Slappers is? They take what I write completely seriously, and they see these posts as personal assaults on their nonexistent heterosexuality, and then they leave interesting comments, laced with profanity and that sort of come hither dialogue that says they'd like to meet me after dark on the Ratchet docks for "a fishing expedition," which I take to mean they'd like to violate me in a manner that probably violates the Terms of Service, the End User License Agreement, as well as laws in twenty-six states, Guam, and Puerto Rico.

If you're on the Bloodhoof server and you're looking for a guild, look no further than the Elf Slappers, because they'll make you feel like you belong to something bigger than yourself... namely that Tauren who refers to you as his bitch between events of having his way with you until you hit level 50.

Ah, the Elf Spankers... I love getting a rise out of those fuckers. They're such a bunch of fucking tools.

AIM: therbmcc71

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