Monday, April 05, 2004

I Have Taken Up Religion and Joined the Republicans

As for my reason for not updating in so long, it's basically because I'm poor, and I don't have any money with which to go out and see movies, buy DVD's, buy music, et cetera; and I'm so terribly sick of most of the media that I do have that it's a chore to watch some of these movies, no matter how much I normally might like them. So, in the meantime, I've been spending a lot of time over at my friend's house, playing games like Worms 3D, Steel Battalion (which is nice, but certainly isn't worth two-hundred bucks), Anarchy Online, True Crime... a bunch of stuff.

And then I thought to myself, Easter is coming up. In the event that this might be the year for Armageddon to finally happen, I decided that it's about time that I got myself square with the Lord. Yes, I'm talking about the Boss On The Cross. The Late, Great J.C., if you will. And so it took a great deal of time for me to go through all of the churches in the area, to find the median between easy path to redemption and which church might just give me a key to the Poor Box.

Catholicism was definitely out. While I'd really like to be a priest for the simple reason that I could make a fortune taking confession from the people who live around here, writing it up and selling it to Penthouse Forum. "You did what, my child? How many times?" Dear Penthouse Forum, I never thought this would happen to me, but... Anyway, I couldn't be a priest because that would entail being devout, which isn't quite the easy road to redemption that I'm looking for.

I also couldn't be Catholic because I was born without any sense of guilt. So, that apparently also meant I couldn't be Jewish. I was actually told to get my schlinkus out of the Temple after I brought up the new South Park episode. So, that -and the restraining order that followed- means I can't be Jewish.

Presbyterian, Lutheran, Seventh Day Adventist, Quakers, Shakers, Amish, you name it, I tried it over the last couple of weeks. None of them were working for me. And then... *cue the holy 'Aahhhhhh....' sound with the golden light coming down from the heavens* I discovered the Landover Baptist Church. This is easily the best church of all time. And it's Baptist, which I initially thought was shocking until I recalled another Baptist church, and it was all clear to me...

I had to join the Landover Baptist Church.

And, as for me becoming a Republican, well, that's just par for the course when you're a Baptist. After all, Baptism is generally equated with the Baptismal bath --or whatever they might call it, since I took a Baptismal shower instead-- and Democrats are generally equated with Cleetus and Gomer, the two "'Squeal Like A Pig' Mountain Boys" from Deliverance, which says anything but bathing like a normal human being.

Furthermore, I was just won over by the President's Official Website. And I support his educational agenda which entails privatizing school cafeterias and disposing of this crazy notion of teaching evolution in schools. I'm already ... holy shit...

Okay, this has all been a really big fucking joke, and I'm not really a Republican, and I'm not really Baptists and those two pages are actually funny as hell. But they're satire, like The Onion and such. I just found this site while I was looking for an agenda of the President's to support, and I looked up the word 'fallout' on the Department of Homeland Security website... This might be the funniest thing I have ever seen, and it's hosted by our government:

Federal Emergency Management Agency ... For Kids! I especially love the page that tells kids what to do in the event of a "dirty bomb," which --when I was growing up-- slang for one of my cousins dropping a load in his diaper. Anyway, check out those three sites, and I'll think of something to talk about pretty soon.

AIM: therbmcc71

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