Friday, November 05, 2004

NEWS ITEM: President to Order Bombing of the Rest of New Jersey

An F-16 fighter jet belonging to the Air National Guard fired twenty-five rounds at Little Egg Harbor Intermediate School on Wednesday night, marking the beginning of President Bush's latest military operation, which seeks to destroy the states that comprised the 252 electoral votes won by Senator John Kerry in Tuesday's election. The White House is not commenting on where President Bush was on Wednesday night, but they neither confirmed nor denied this reporter's question that perhaps he was finally fulfilling the obligation to his country that he signed up for during the war in Vietnam.

Let's look at the circumstantial evidence:

  • We know that President Bush has a flight-suit, which he wore on the U.S.S. Lincoln on May 2, 2003, when he declared an end to major combat in Iraq.
  • We're not sure, but we think that the President never finished his tour of duty with the Alabama Air National Guard, as no proof has yet surfaced of his attendance in such from the period of May, 1972 to October, 1973. That said, we're pretty sure he knows how to fly a plane.
  • New Jersey's electoral votes will go to Senator Kerry when the votes are officially tabulated. President Bush lost by a seven-percent margin to Senator Kerry in New Jersey, coming in only forty-five points over Ralph Nader. Humbling, I'm sure; possibly enough to drive the most powerful man in the world to hop in an airplane and personally begin furthering his agenda ahead of schedule.
  • Many have criticized the Bush administration's underfunding of the "No Child Left Behind" program, though (White House Press Secretary) Scott McClellan remarked that, "it would be impossible to underfund the program if and when there were no schools left."
  • President Bush, according to CNN exit-polls, fared six percent better than Senator Kerry amongst voters with no college degree. In order to keep the kids from attending college, the Bush administration is expected to order the complete and utter destruction of all K-12 educational institutions within the next week. One anonymous Pentagon official stated that, "This operation will make Shock & Awe look like a couple of kids playing with firecrackers."
It is now more likely than not that the recounting in Iowa and New Mexico will be halted, with the numbers being doctored to show overwhelming support of the President and his war on Kerry's states. Live from a bunker near Wrigley Field, this is Umgawa signing off.

EDIT: Finally, your link of the day, sent to me by Fubar's own jimthej00: Canada 2.0

AIM: therbmcc71