Sunday, January 08, 2006


Parental Advisory: The following post contains explicit content that may be unsuitable for readers under the age of 18, anyone from Utah, and the majority of Republicans. Don't say I didn't warn you.

I love news stories focusing on the general retardation of callow religious folk:
A movie theater owned by Utah Jazz owner Larry Miller abruptly changed its screening plans and decided not to show the film "Brokeback Mountain." The film, an R-rated Western gay romance story, was supposed to open Friday at the Megaplex at Jordan Commons in Sandy, a suburb of Salt Lake City. Instead it was pulled from the schedule. A message posted at the ticket window read: "There has been a change in booking and we will not be showing 'Brokeback Mountain.' We apologize for any inconvenience."

Cal Gunderson, manager of the Jordan Commons Megaplex, declined to comment. The movie's distributor, Focus Features, said that hours before opening, the theater management "reneged on their licensing agreement," and refused to open the film.

Gayle Ruzicka, president of the conservative Utah Eagle Forum, said not showing the film set an example for the people of Utah. "I just think (pulling the show) tells the young people especially that maybe there is something wrong with this show," she said.
See, part of me says that it's fine for a company to not exhibit a movie that the company finds objectionable. I mean, hey, it's their movie screen, they can do with it what they want. But then there's the fact that they published the showtimes, and now they're really screwing their customers. But hey, that's fine, too. The point is, they were apparently willing at one point to let people see this movie, and then they went, "Y'know... we'd really prefer to shelter people from this sort of thing, because the less they know, the better off they are."

And that's totally counter to how the world really works. It's like teaching a course on the history of African-American music while skipping the last fifteen years, because you're afraid the kids might go out and spontaneously begin slapping women around, amongst other things. Logic dictates that a single piece of art doesn't incite otherwise "normal" citizens to violence, anti-social behavior, homosexuality, or anything else that people in Utah might deem to be "deviant behavior." They're probably still clutching on to their old editions of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders that claim homosexuality is a mental illness, because that's the only way they can explain it.

I love the fucking retards in this country. Seriously. They make such good news stories with their idiocy. The fact is, the only way to combat idiocy is to inform people in the most straightforward possible manner, which would be to show them the movie, in this case. I almost think they prefer to have the gatekeeper, though; that they are content in their collective ignorance.

Or maybe I'm just striking out against Utah because they turned down my application to be their Porn Czar; a position for which I am most definitely qualified. Yes, they actually have a Porn Czar in Utah. The one person in the whole state who actually gets to freely peruse smut, and then he gets to say, "No! None of you shall read this! This is my smut! Mine, mine, mine!!!"

Umgawa begins talking like Mayor Diamond Joe Quimby.

If I were appointed to the position of Porn Czar, I would give a free nudie magazine to every man, woman, and child in the state. I would paper the walls of our crumbling schools with the nudie magazines my predecessors have banned. I promise a car in every garage, a chicken in every pot, and a nudie magazine in every sock drawer. Vote Umgawa for Porn Czar.

Anyway, I clearly got distracted from my talking about censorship in the media and what-not, and that's probably a good thing, because the Porn Czar section was far more entertaining.

And, while still speaking of porn, and getting back to real news...

Disclaimer: By the way, while you will not see any boobies on this site, that will not prevent me from talking about otherwise related topics.

The AVN Awards!

That's right, the Adult Video News (AVN) Awards took place on Saturday, and let's do a quick run-down of the notable winners, because it's really a lot of fun to type this stuff up. Actually, half of this stuff I can't even type up, because I'm laughing so hard, so here's a quote from the official run-down:
Gonzo king Jules Jordan won for Best Gonzo Release (Slut Puppies), Best Ethnic-Themed Video, Asian (Invasian! 2), and Best Anal-Themed Feature (Ass Worship 7), but his Evil Angel labelmate Joey Silvera took home Best Gonzo Series for his long-running Service Animals.
Now, I actually have no idea what 'gonzo' means in this case, but I don't think it has anything to do with Muppets or Hunter S. Thompson.

In all honesty, I was really hoping that Camp Cuddly Pines Power Tool Massacre would win the Best DVD award. Not that I've seen it, I just like the name. It won a bunch of the other awards, but that's like getting Best Cinematography and Best Editing, but not Best Picture. Actually, I have no idea what it's like, because at this point I'm equating the Oscars to hardcore porn. It's actually not that far off, I don't think, given that it's only a matter of time before every Hollywood celebrity has had a sex-tape "accidentally" released to the public.

Here, I'm not even going to list all of the winners, but here are the ones that made me laugh, because I can't believe that these are actual awards. I mean, this goes to show you how fucked up some people can be that there's a large enough percentage of people interested in some of this stuff that movies are actually made to cater to them. Not only that, but there are enough of these movies released every year that they get awards for being the best-in-show. I mean, to each his own and all, but Jesus:

  • Transsexual Performer of the Year
    • Gia Darling
  • Best Specialty Release - Squirting
    • Flower's Squirt Shower 2
  • Best Specialty Release - MILF
    • MILF Seeker
  • Best Specialty Release - Fem-Dom Strap-On
    • His Ass is Mine
  • Best Specialty Release - BDSM
    • Jenna Loves Pain
  • Best Specialty Release - Big Bust
    • Faster Pussycat! Fuck! Fuck!
  • Best Specialty Release - Spanking
    • A Submissive Mind
  • Best Specialty Release - Other Genre
    • Chunky Housecall Nurses 2
  • Best Specialty Release - Foot Fetish
    • Coxxx & Soxxx 4
  • Best Oral-Themed Feature
    • Blow Me Sandwich 7
  • Best Oral-Themed Series
    • Glazed and Confused
That last one's my favorite. Seriously, if you want the most entertaining reading of the day, check out the award winners, or better yet, the complete nominees list, and then later in the week, I'll have to see what my web-counter says for my referrals, because I'm willing to bet that they're going to get really funny.

AIM: therbmcc71

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