The One That Makes Me Laugh, She Said

I don't want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as a career. I don't want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair anything sold, bought, or processed. You know, as a career, I don't want to do that.

In the comedy-noir/neo-tragic style that is representative of my life, my girlfriend is moving. I think that I took the news pretty well, mainly because I was half-asleep when she called me to tell me that she's moving by the end of next month. I'm looking through my collection of DVD's to find some guidance in my life, in a sort of, "What Would John Cusack Do?" kind of way, but it's just not happening for me.

Speaking of which, I've always meant to post this on my page, but haven't because I never remember to. And I've got it written down somewhere, and no doubt it's ten times better wherever it is, but I'm going to type it up from memory anyway and hope it makes sense:

There are four kinds of guys in this world, and they're all represented by characters from one Cameron Crowe movie or another. And I'm not generalizing here, because every guy falls into one of these four categories. They have to, unless you're one of those people who believes that 'yes or no' questions can have an infinite number of possible answers, or could be both, as in the case of Shrodinger's Cat. In this case, we break guys down into whether they're shallow or deep, and what their self-image is:

• We start out with Jeff Spicoli from Fast Times at Ridgemont High. He's a shallow guy who knows he's shallow. He doesn't make any attempt at all to seem like he's a deep guy, since all he needs are some tasty waves, a cool buzz, and he's fine.
• Then you've got Cliff, the Matt Dillon character from Singles, who sings for a band named Citizen Dick. He's shallow, but thinks he's deep. When Eddie Vedder says to him, "A compliment for us is a compliment for you," he just sits back and says, "All this negativity just makes me stronger..." And then there's the part where he doesn't say, "Bless you," after Bridget Fonda sneezes, instead telling her not to get him sick because he's got a gig coming up.
• And then there's Jerry Maguire. He often appears to be totally shallow, but has these bizarre and semi-rare flirtations with depth, eventually ending up as a fairly deep guy.
• Finally, there's Lloyd Dobler from Say Anything; a deep guy who knows, or at least believes, he's deep. And he's responsible for the lines at the top and bottom of this post.

I know, it's anti-climactic, but I have to take a shower now and have something for breakfast before I go out and take my girlfriend to work. In any case, my female readers should take a look at their boyfriends and decide which of these characters their boyfriends represent, while the guys should just look at themselves and try to figure themselves out. There are no other options, and I think that a disproportionately large number of guys will pick either Jerry Maguire or Lloyd Dobler, while women are probably more likely to be objective and honest.

Which one am I? I'm William Miller from Almost Famous, but I get to break the rules because I'm the one who makes them. The rest of you only get the four choices above. Comment away.

What I really want to do with my life - what I want to do for a living - is I want to be with your daughter. I'm good at it.


AIM: therbmcc71