Friday, September 03, 2004

Being Ben Affleck

[Preface: This was my first post on Fubar as Ben Affleck. Prior to that, I was just Umgawa in the comments-section of various posts, and Justin pulled me aboard. After some discussion as to my role, we came to the conclusion that my being Ben Affleck would be pretty damn funny, given the way I treated Affleck on my old website. Because, let's be honest: J-Lo jokes are funny and extraordinarily easy to write.

In any case, I should mention that this was the Fubar era where Avril Lavigne was all over the site, and various users thought Justin was actually Avril Lavigne. Of course, there were probably a few people who actually thought Ben Affleck was writing for Fubar. And the "editor's note" at the bottom was written by me at the time of posting, since it would just be silly for Ben Affleck to post a link to a series of pictures that he deemed to be from a "Popeye-thinkin' fuck."

Finally, I might add that the teenagevictory link, along with various others along the way over the next few posts do not necessarily work, but I'm leaving them in there because I have no intention of editing the past... or I'm lazy. -Affleck out!]

Who's Your Favorite New Kid? - 7:29am October 20, 2002
Posted by Ben Affleck [Archives]

This Justin guy really pisses me off sometimes. He starts off by dragging me on for three weeks, letting me think he's Avril Lavigne, talking about this and that... not cybersex, but cyber-foreplay for sure. So anyway, I'm seeing a connection here, and so I went to an Avril Lavigne concert, got backstage and she's like, "Oh my god! Ben Affleck!" And I'm like, "Good to see you, too, sweetkins," dropped my pants, and next thing I know I'm slapped with a restraining order. So I get back online and find this Psykotik2k person and I'm like, "Bitch! You lied to me!" and then Justin explained it all and we both had a good laugh over it. Well, he had a good laugh, and I fell off the wagon. God, I hope he doesn't still have those IM's logged away somewhere.

So anyway, maybe he felt so guilty that he decided to give me this job, or maybe it's because he found some jackhole on the internet who hates me and linked him to my name at the end of the story I wrote, and I can't do anything about it. I mean, I can stand criticism, but this guy is saying I look like Popeye-meets-Rambo, and that's just the nastiest thing someone's done to me since Damon convinced me to play Chuckie instead of Will Hunting. He gets an Oscar nomination for acting, and I end up playing second-fiddle to Mork From Ork! Damon's a manipulative bastard, Justin's a lying bastard, and this Popeye-thinkin' fuck is fucking clown shoes. Yeah, you piece of crap, I read your Pearl Harbor review and I ain't gay!

So let's talk about breasts. You want proof I ain't gay? We're talking about breasts. Now, let's be honest: J-Lo ain't got much up top. You ever seen Money Train? Yeah, you know what I'm talkin' about. I bet you can probably find that picture over in that naked celebrity thing on the left there. I mean, I am a man in pain. Gwyneth? Ha ha, nope, nothin' up there, either. I think I'm getting known for this, which might be why they cast me against Liv Tyler and Kate Beckinsdale in Armageddon and Pearl Harbor. If I had a thing for Canadian girls, I'd be on the first flight to Toronto for a Leafs game and visit the girls who post here on Fubar.

So, me being Mister Dissatisfied Ben Affleck, let's talk about the actresses I should've nailed on movie sets over these past years: Salma Hayek in Dogma, Christina Ricci in 200 Cigarettes, Claire Forlani in Mallrats, Charlize Theron in Reindeer Games, Kristy Swanson from when I was an extra in Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and this chick even though I never acted with her, because she's really hot! Man, I'd dump J-Lo in a heartbeat for that chick. She must be like a foreign superstar or something. The name's just so exotic, like Cher or Bjork, who are superstars that I don't want to nail, but I will if it'll prove to all of you doubters that I ain't gay!

[Editor: I'm sure Ben would've wanted me to add the Popeye-Rambo link for clarity.]

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