Friday, September 03, 2004

Eat This

[Preface: Lizzie -the same one from my sidebar, here- used to post on Fubar, but ultimately stopped one day when she realized that she didn't care for the majority of Fubar's boobie-loving readers. For me, the feeling was mutual, though I had to balance that with my love for the sheer number of them. Her post that I reference at the top of this was in regard to something called "Love Your Body Day," which I'm sure you could probably find the details of if you were so inclined to Google it.

It's probably the least impressive of my work as Ben Affleck, but it drives a point, which none of the other posts ever really did.]

- 2:51pm October 12, 2003
Posted by Ben Affleck [Archives]

I was flipping through the comments on the last post by Lizzie, and WP Legend's right. Seventy-five percent of Americans are overweight, but -this being America- it's our God-given right to be fat; it said so in the Declaration of Independence: Pursuit of Life, Liberty and a Double Quarter-Pounder With Cheese.

That's right, we're Americans who propelled, "I'm OK, You're OK" to the top of the New York Times bestseller list, but seem to have forgotten the second half of the title and now see it as, "I'm OK, But You're A Fucking Asshole, So Stop Criticizing Me Before I Shove This Broomstick So Far Up Your Ass You'll Be Picking Splinters Out Of Your Teeth."

We're Americans, and collectively we're fat, but rather than simply admit that we have a problem with over-eating, we eliminate any chance of being flawed in any way whatsoever and hire scientists to find the elusive "Fat Gene". I don't care if they find the Fat Gene; I want scientists to find the gene that makes people retarded and not take responsibility for anything.

Case in point: The fuckheads who think it's Ronald McDonald's fault they look like Grimace and take the whole company to court. If only Mayor McCheese could step in and say, "You're fat, it's your fault, fuck you. Here's five dollars' worth of gift certificates for your pain and suffering, thank you and come again."

But it's a damn good thing we're fat, because weight-control books dominate the bestseller lists; diet-pills are sold mainly to truckers, college students and essentially anyone else who can't find good amphetamines; Jenny Craig and Weight Watchers offices are open all over the country... Being fat is a multi-billion dollar a year industry, employing thousands of people across America, who likely have absolutely no other job qualifications. Couple that with the money generated by things at actually make Americans fat, and you realize that our own obesity is the only thing keeping us out of the poor-house.

What can you do on Love Your Body Day? Go to Hallmark and try to find a card to send to someone, and then ultimately realize that the Love Your Body Day is just a giant publicity stunt created exclusively to promote the National Organization For Women at a minimal cost by getting their followers to go all Stuart Smalley and say, "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and damn I look hot in these 54-inch stretch-pants..." and then hold rallies for yet-wider seats at movie theaters, airplanes and sports stadiums.

If they had their way, Fenway Park would seat nine people, just to make sure the fattest people on earth could all sit there and be happy as pigs in shit, which is a pretty appropriate metaphor, don't you think?

AIM: therbmcc71