Happy Halloween from Ben Affleck

[Preface: Only a few more entries out of the Affleck stash to go, and here's one for the holidays. This post basically came from a discussion I was having with a few people about Halloween and the costumes that kids wear today. It basically has nothing to do with Affleck in particular (except for the hooker), and probably reads more like me than any of the other posts "by Ben Affleck." In other words, I'm probably going to dredge this one back up at the end of next month if I can't think of anything better.]

Kid, I Will Shove That Pumpkin Straight Up Your... - 12:13am October 30, 2002

Well, everybody, it's almost Halloween again, which means it's time for all of us to kick back and remember the good ol' days.

Where I grew up, God's little cruel joke on us youngsters was making it snow for Halloween. I can only assume this was because Easter was completely lost on us, and He was getting back at us for looking forward to Halloween so much. I mean, really, when's the last time you saw someone go out for Halloween dressed as a biblical figure? I mean, other than the time me and Damon tried going out as a plague of locusts. Hence, snow for Halloween. Nothing quite complements a great Spider-Man costume like a fucking parka.

I got a couple of older cousins who remember going out trick-or-treating without having their parents hanging over their shoulder. Nothing quite like the badge of shame you get from having mom follow you around in the family station wagon. Hell, they remember a time when parents didn't comb through your candy looking for razorblades and anthrax. I think my mother just wanted her cut of the take, which was probably at least twenty-five percent; this is probably related to her recent indictment on extortion and racketeering charges.

For all intents and purposes, it's a kids' holiday, but the parents don't seem to see it that way. Maybe it's the fact that everyone's totally insane out here in Hollywood, but last year, Saturday before Halloween, I'm sitting in my apartment and there's a knock on the door. I figure it's the hooker I ordered, so I open the door and see this little kid dressed up as Good Will Hunting. I stifle the urge to call him a fucking prick and he says, "Trick or treat." Now, Halloween's not for another three or so days, so I ain't got any candy, and I tell him that. Next thing I know, Queen Bitch of the Universe (his mother) walks up and asks why I don't have any candy for her child, like it's his fucking birthright. Apparently, it was her belief that she could just "bump Halloween up" a few days, so her kid wouldn't be going out on a schoolnight. I, of course, have to break it to the crazy bitch that Halloween isn't one of those floating-holidays like Thanksgiving, and it doesn't take place on the last Saturday in October, so I ain't got any candy for her kid. And, just before I close the door on these buffoons, I get right in the kid's face and say, "So how do you like them apples?" *SLAM*

So, this week, I'm expecting to open the door to a little ten year-old girl and say, "My, my, that's quite a streetwalker costume you've got there," to which she'll inevitably respond that she's actually dressed up like Christina Aguilera.

Posted by Ben Affleck

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