News In Brief, or Equal Time

Once again, I'm fulfilling your daily quota of actual news:

Bizarre News Story of the Day
Early Sunday morning, a Georgia man was driving drunk and managed to decapitate his best friend with a telephone pole support-wire. I am not making this up. Apparently, after a night out at the bar, the driver's friend was hanging his head out the window for some undisclosed reason just as the driver sideswiped the support wire. The driver then continued to drive home, slept in his bloody clothes, leaving the decapitated body in the truck, only to be discovered by a man who was walking with his baby daughter on Sunday morning. The head was found to have rolled into some bushes near the telephone pole. [This shit makes Scott Peterson look like a fucking genius]

And we move on to Politics...
The Republican National Convention is underway, and 9/11 has gone from national-tragedy to re-election tool. The highlight of the opening night was when John McCain got resounding applause when he referred to Michael Moore as a "disingenuous filmmaker" who portrayed the war in Iraq as a misguided war for oil. I applaud McCain's comments as well, since we all know that this was actually an extremely well-guided war for oil. McCain is a prime figure in the Bush campaign because, to quote the Chicago Sun-Times, "McCain's history as a prisoner of war in Vietnam could help Bush, who spent the war stateside."

Which is good, because we still haven't figured out where, exactly, stateside the president was during the war. Jesus, we've got swiftboat guys coming out of the woodwork saying Kerry wasn't a good soldier, but at least they can attest that he was there. All that Dubya has is the testimony of some dentist, proving that the President's teeth were indeed in Alabama at some point in 1972.


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