I Shoulda Been Don King!

[Preface: It's always been my portrayal of Ben Affleck as a shameless self-promoter. If he had a movie coming out, Fubar was the place to talk it up. Of course, that I hadn't seen the movie, nor had any intention of seeing it, was beside the point. This post has about as much Affleck as I could jam into it, and I actually was pressed for time, since I put a Valentine's Day post on my old website that day, too. On a final note, The Bourne Identity did, in fact, come in far below expectations on its opening weekend, but later went on to gross a fuck-ton of money due to word-of-mouth recommendations.]

Go See My Movie. Now. - 11:18pm February 14, 2003
Posted by Ben Affleck [Archives]

Well, ladies and gentlemen, Fubar comes back up just in time for me to make a shameless plug for my new movie, Daredevil, which I did solely as a favor to Kevin Smith, since he needed to get the resale value up on the first issues of the series' re-release, courtesy of Marvel Comics.

And it's Valentine's Day. What can you buy for the woman who has everything? No, seriously, this is an actual question, seeing how I bought J-Lo a ring that cost more than my salary for Armageddon. I mean, I've bought her a car, a ring, paid for her divorce attorney... and yet she still wants me to surprise her for Valentine's Day. There's no way to stand out from the crowd, seeing how I've seemingly got half of the desperate men in America, forty-three Venezuelans, twelve guys in Peru and assorted guys all over the rest of the world sending her flowers. So I can't buy her flowers. I bet Damon would be able to think something up, but he's probably still in the institution after Bourne Identity flopped.

I'm sorry if I cut this short, but me and J-Lo have dinner reservations at nine, and then I've got to wake up in the morning and talk to Marc Norman about writing a Shakespeare In Love spin-off about my character, Ned, probably due out in late-2004 if I can get it done fast. I'm thinking that in this one, Ned writes a different not-so-well-known Shakespeare play, since the Bard is out sick or something. A "here Ben comes to save the day" kind of movie. And don't any of you make jokes about Ned writing Coriolanus for Damon's character. It's just not funny, and Rupert Everett made the joke when I first pitched the movie to the Weinsteins back in '98.

In closing, I'd like to thank Justin for coming back and granting me the opportunity to hawk Daredevil to the masses. Go see it. Now. If you're on the east-coast, you might still be able to catch a late-show, so push all of the couples down and steal their tickets. It's one hell of a lot more entertaining than The Hours or any of those Oscar-nominated movies. Way I see it, the last time a decent movie got nominated for an Oscar was Good Will Hunting. But, that's another story for another time, because J-Lo just threatened to take my balls off if we didn't make our reservation-time.


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